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Nikki2182
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Name: Nicole
Country: United States
State: Michigan
Metro: Ann Arbor
Gender: Female
Interests: Reading, traveling, speaking French, speaking Spanglish, exploring Ann Arbor, experimenting with delicious and exciting vegetarian cuisines, drinking good wine (i.e. NOT Merlot, or ANYTHING involving Zinfandel grapes), educating myself about public health and prevention, fantasizing about my future career as a doctor--basically good music, good food and good company.
Expertise: Are you kidding me? I have no expertise at anything whatsoever, except the random, useless pop trivia that clouds my brain, preventing me from memorizing muscle innervations... :-) If only I'd tried out for the World Series of Pop Culture...
Occupation: Student
Industry: Medical
Message: message me
AIM:  mllebear
Member Since:
1/27/2005
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| So I'm sitting at work, ostensibly writing the introduction and methods sections of the manuscript for my study, but I find myself wanting to bang my head against a wall. I hate scientific writing, although clinical is way better than basic science. Still, every word you choose is scrutinized and dissected, its meaning considered and reconsidered, lest you imply something you didn't intend to imply, give the impression that you might have done something that wasn't previously approved and re-approved eight million times by the IRB. Blech...
I just decided to check my voicemail and, lo and behold I have one from my mom--from YESTERDAY AFTERNOON--that just showed up, telling me that my dad has been moved to the ICU, is spiking a 103 degree fever, and is suspected of having a raging infection. Great. I love those moments when my phone decides to be a piece of crap...
Apparently, I now have to go to a two-hour meeting with my boss, rather than calling my mom to find out if my dad is ok and apologize for seeming like a shitty daughter. At least I know she'll call me again if anything else happens, but who knows if I'll get the call? Grrrrr
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| So this has been quite a week. I finished my last subject for my research study today--yay! Now all that awaits me is lots of analysis with SPSS--and the dreaded writing... I definitely think I want to be a pediatrician after this. However limited my social skills may be with everyone else, I feel totally comfortable with kids. Playing with 3-5 year-olds has been so much fun this summer.
I found out a friend with whom I've had a lot of drama in the past is coming to visit in about two weeks. Is it selfish to want to still be friends with someone who wants more and isn't taking the hint very easily?
Today was the anniversary of the saddest, worst day of my life, and I surprised myself by how well I took it. The day almost came and went without my thinking about what it signified. And then I felt guilty for that, and then the pain came. I know letting go is part of the healing process, but sometimes the pain is a comfort--like a surrogate for what you've lost, and a reminder that it was once there. I don't want to get to a place where I don't remember, where I don't feel anything anymore, but maybe I'll find some middle ground, full of happy memories and without nightmares and maybes and what-ifs. That would be nice.
My dad is having major surgery tomorrow morning. I know everything will be fine, I even know exactly what the procedure consists of, what the surgeon will do, step by step, but it's different when it's someone you know, someone you love. The rational, someday-doctor part of my brain is being subdued by the emotional daughter part of my brain. Ironically, sometimes a little bit of information is more dangerous than none at all. What I've learned in medical school: there is a far greater risk of serious complications from infection than there is from anything inherent to the procedure itself. Don't forget to take those prophylactic antibiotics, Daddy...
I need to get the oil changed in my car. I'm 1500 miles past 3000. Not good. And a haircut--I need a haircut. So this is what I'll be doing while my father is being anesthetized and cut open. Sometimes it sucks being 2500 miles from your family.
End of stream of consciousness. I love you forever and ever and a day beyond, V.E.Q. | | |
| So, clarification of last, cryptic, post. I've recently been mulling over the fact that a previously very close friend has been totally out of touch this year. Out of touch as in not responding to any attempts to contact him, regardless of the form in which they may come. For those who fear such reluctance is borne of some sort of creepy stalkerness on my part, rest assured. I am about as stalker-y as a corpse (odd reference, I realize). My friend sends me an e-mail on my birthday (a date that many of the friends with whom I regularly communicate forget) saying he misses me, he's sorry for being out of touch, and we should talk more often. So I think, "okay" and send him a response. Nothing for three months. Then I call him from SF when I'm hanging out with a mutual friend. Nothing. So then I finally send him an e-mail asking him what's up, please respond etc...
I'm sure anyone who reads this is either thinking "Damn, is she talking about me?" or "Chick needs to get the hint that the guy doesn't want to talk to her." I get that. I'm just wondering why. I've never had a friendship end like this before. You either have a big fight or you gradually grow apart. You don't tell each other how great you are and then just disappear. What gives? All I know is that, apart from hurting my feelings, this is occupying way more of my headspace than I'd like.
On another note, my new swimsuit from J. Crew came today in the mail, as did my long-awaited pictures from Cuba. Yay  I was looking at them and instantly felt like I was back there again. Havana is an amazing place for anyone fortunate enough to go, as is the rest of the country.
27 days until I leave for Hawaii | | |
| So when you're--at least theoretically--really good friends with someone, and you spend a ton of time with them and reveal a lot of yourself to them, and they tell you how great they think you are, and then you have to move and for a while it's okay and then suddenly it's like they fell off the face of the earth and they stop returning your calls or e-mails and they don't acknowledge that you exist at all but you never had a fight or anything--that's mean, right? I think it's mean. Why do people have to be such asses sometimes? | | |
| So it's not even midnight and I've already been attempting to sleep for an hour. Big mistake, given that I can never sleep before 2AM because my body hates me, but I have to get up really, really early for work tomorrow and I guess I'll never learn. I guess I thought, between the 2 mile swim and the 10 mile hike, that maybe I'd rest well tonight. My bad...
Once again, it's been many moons since I've posted here. Mostly I guess that is good, since I seem to use these posts more as some sort of outlet for frustration in my life, but I also feel as though it's a bit sad that med school took over my life to such an extent this year that even taking the time to type a few lines here became a luxury I didn't want to afford myself. I feel like blogging is some sort of an addiction--more for my own catharsis than for the amusement of the voyeuristic friends who read my posts and never offer their own insights--but I'm an all or nothing addict. Hence my relationship with ice cream. I've made a lovely place in my heart for sorbet which, when you get right down to it, is really more refreshing anyway in all its fruity goodness
It follows, then, that I'll probably post a bunch this summer and then not again for who knows how long when school starts up. One more academic year of classes, but it's really less. Eight months from now I'll be in the hell of studying for Boards, and ten months from tomorrow I start seeing patients for real. Holy shit.
In the meantime, I've taken on more school responsibility than I know what to do with, including a national leadership position with a huge time commitment, and I'm totally undermining myself with my firm conviction that I'm just going to screw it all up anyway. Kind of becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy...
I just wish this summer could last longer. I get to play with stickers and jelly beans with three year-olds and get paid for it--what could be better? I'm becoming more and more sure that I want to go into peds, but I guess I won't know until I have that rotation.
Only four weeks until Jeni and I head for Hawaii, and then, unfortunately, it'll be back to the books. I'm so excited about the prospect of a whole week with my best friend that I almost can't stand it. What I am I going to do for the next four to nine years with her so far away? Damn LA people--always refusing to leave
Sleep, sweet sleep, please come to me... | | |
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